Five Ways to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Hi there, I’m sorry in advance that this isn’t really a fashion related post lol but I think it’s pretty important if you’re looking to get into the fashion industry or any industry really [I think it’s an important life skill!]. To be honest, I know so many of my friends who are guilty of this (as am I!) and I thought that I would finally write this because GODDAMN I have so much to say about this.

Before we start though, let’s have a quick small checklist quiz thing to see if you actually are a people pleaser or not.

  1. You have a hard time saying “no” to people’s requests.
  2. Even if this is at the detriment of your own time and resources.
  3. When you do say no, you feel {horribly} guilty.
  4. You may seem to make friends easily, but some of them only talk to you to ask for a favour.
  5. You are scared of what will happen when you refuse a request
  6. You don’t want want people to hate you
  7. You don’t want to let people down
  8. You don’t have great confidence in yourself and/or your appearance
  9. You love to help others out but feel as if sometimes people don’t always help you out
  10. You hate drama to the point where you won’t say anything such as your opinions or make a firm decision
  11. You’re upset when you find out someone you thought you were friends with doesn’t like you or doesn’t care about you at all
  12. You are a bad sucker for flattery. :’c
  13. Criticism really hurts even when you know it’s for your own good.
  14. Your opinions are easily shaped by what others around you think
  15. When you make new friends you’re already quite quick to do favours for them

Does this sound like you? If so, read on…

no, start saying no,

JUST DO IT!!!

Stop saying “sorry” and start saying “no.”

The truth will set you free. What’s the worst that will happen? They’ll hate you forever? They’ll bitch about you to all their friends and give you a bad reputation? You don’t want those people in your life anyway, and most people aren’t that naive to believe words at the drop of the hat without some evidence. (Unless, of course, you’re in high school. Sorry about that, but after high school it’ll get easier, I promise.)

More often than not, people who just want to use you won’t give a fuck if you say no. They’re already thinking of who next to take advantage of. I’m serious. Harsh but true. That’s the type you’re more likely to run into and as long as you say “no” a few times, after a while they’ll stop bothering you because they know they can’t get anything out of you.

Then the annoying type is the one who might raise their eyebrow at you and act offended as if YOU owe THEM before shrugging and when your back is turned, they’ll bitch about you until the cows come home. They’re the type of shit you want to stay away from, like, seriously. You don’t owe them!! What sort of friend doesn’t give a shit about their friends, anyway? A terrible one, that’s what.

Of course, if you’re going to say “no”, some people do react very badly depending how you say it. Whatever you do though, don’t apologise and DON’T MAKE EXCUSES. As soon as you start making excuses, the other party will start manipulating words and make excuses so that you can do the favour for them.

When it comes to saying sorry, remember that often you’re not at fault. If you’re not at fault, don’t say sorry. If in general you find it hard to say “sorry”, try replacing with another phrase, like i don’t know, “okay” or “excuse me” where appropriate. Plus, if you always say sorry for everything, it starts losing its meaning. What happens when you really do hurt someone for something else and you say sorry on reflex? It’ll start sounding hollow honestly.

Know your limits.

So you’re working part time, studying full time and basically have 1 hour left for your own free time when suddenly so-and-so wants you to do a particular favour for them which will actually take like 10 hours. Do you take the 9 hours off your sleep and help them?

No!! Stop that!!

STOP!!!

You deserve your rest. YOU are more worthy of it than those people who couldn’t give a shit about you.

If your close friend who has always helped you asks for it, yeah it’s probably a bit more difficult and you should help where you can (but if this close friend is toxic, why are you accepting their help?) but I’m talking about those friends who you’ve met pretty recently. They’re not worth the time at all!

This leads to…

Know that you are worth more than you think 

Here’s the crux of the issue: if you have a chronic issue with pleasing people, you probably don’t have that much self-confidence. But unlike some people who project by being assholes, you do it through being over-the-top nice.

And, well, that’s not healthy.

If you keep on putting this face that you’re happy-go-lucky and nothing can phase you in terms of favours, guess what? Manipulative people will prey on you. They can smell weakness D:<

How to be more confident? Well, it really DOES depend from person to person. But I went through a time of absolute chronic self-loathing (that I’m still slowly getting rid of but trust me it’s a lot better now). Here’s a list of things that helped:

  • Keep a list of nice things that people say about you and try to make a list of what you like about yourself [exclude: being always there for others]. Sounds self-serving and cheesy but trust me, when you’re down, reach for this list and not anything else. Please.
  • Stand up straight, keep your posture good! When you walk somewhere, have a good idea of how you’ll be getting there, and you will look really confident. In turn, people will think you’re confident and treat you as such, which will then be reflected in your behaviour. A cycle of creating self-confidence! I mean, you gotta fake it till you make it honey.
  • Remember that people have their own lives and so do you.
  • If you always have to be super nice to someone for them to consider you their friend, it’s time to ditch them.

If you continue to suppress your own feelings, what builds up inside you is this resentment, which will someday explode and those assholes who prey on you will be like “wow, stop being so sensitive, I was just asking a favour” or something. And then jump on the chance to spread more shit about you. Yikes, I know.

Hey, this leads to the next point…

the baddest female, CL, gizibe, assertiveness

Embrace your inner gizibe

Embrace your bitchiness 

Maybe at first you think you’re thinking you’re being a bitch for standing up for yourself. But the truth is you need to take control of your life and not let people order you around. Obviously don’t be a diva, but be a bitch compared to what you normally are.

So someone [for me and many of my friends, this someone is likely to be a guy, but YMMV] is being extra nice to you and to the point where, no you don’t want to be narcissistic but there’s that possibility that’s they’re totally into you and no you’re not comfortable at ALL but you don’t want to be a “bitch”.

Well, too fucking bad. You’re a bitch now. You don’t have to break off the connection suddenly but seriously, start distancing yourself. Some people think that being nice means that you’re into them and that’s a sad fact of life that you’re going to let them down either way unless you actually ARE into them (and please, do not date them because you feel guilty because they were nice to you. That’s not a healthy relationship) so you may as well give them the pain faster now than worse later 😀

Think of this. If you reject them, your niceness/politeness won’t be appreciated by them at all and in fact, they’re not only going to resent it but be an entitled asshole who claims you were “leading them on” when you were in fact being a decent human being. Woops. And if you’re really unlucky, you’ll be having to get a restraining order because some people JUST CAN’T TAKE A HINT.

If you accidentally give in, be firm in your negotiations

Soooo you accidentally overextended yourself after all and now people are doing that nasty ass guilt-tripping shit that just drives you over twenty walls and into the void of indiscernible despair. Haha gg bro

Nah, i’m partly joking. But sometimes it’s that shit where someone will ask you for a minor favour which you’ll be okay with, then they go onto this slippery slope of fifty million requests that become exponentially more impossible to do. Uh oh, bro, those warning signs about your friendship should be flashing…

It’s damage control time! Negotiate, on your terms. I mean, you’re the one doing them a favour, so why the fuck are they deciding all the details?

 

Conclusion

So it’s time to stop being a people pleaser. Be assertive. Know your own limits. Be firm. Don’t say sorry, say no. Know your own worth.

That’s not to say “be a complete and utter asshole.” But if you’re so scared of being an asshole, you’re going to let EVERYONE WALK OVER YOU. And you know what that means? It means they don’t respect you. And that’s no way to treat a friend.

Till next time!

How about you? When did you realise you were a people pleaser? How are you preventing yourself from becoming an absolute doormat? Let me know in the comments below.

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